Fading Memory

Perfection is in the eye of the beholder ...

“You think you’re so perfect!”

If only you knew the depths of my pain and the void of loneliness that haunts my soul.

Your words only brake me more, for I am a woman of more flaws than you can imagine.

Perfection? Not a word I would choose to describe myself.

As I stand in front of a mirror, bearing all for only me to see, the self-hatred fills my heart. I easily become disgusted with the image that reflects back at me.

You do not see my pain, because I choose not to show you. You do not know my struggles because I chose not to indulge you.

Do not hate me, do not envy me, as we all have our own measure of pain that we live with.

I choose to only reveal to you my smile, the beauty I hold, and the beauty that surrounds me. I convey only the good that I have in my life.

This is not because I want to be portrayed as perfection. Not because I find myself better than you.

I display only the good because my heart cannot bare to share the horror of my soul, for fear that the hideous pain will manifest on my face and consume me completely.

Therefore, I do all I can to move forward each day, to focus on the love that I do have in my life, because if I give up, I fear the world will lose me forever.

Please know that the inner depths of my body and mind are constant with sadness, pain, and loneliness.

So … to you who tells me “you think you’re so perfect” you do not know the true me, and your words show you have no desire to.

I do not ask for you sympathy, I ask that you remember that you do not know the pain and struggle of a person, so please, tread lightly when passing judgment.

Pain

I wish sometimes that I could express to you the pain I feel inside and that you would some how make it all go away, but I understand now that I'm the only one who can fix me.

I don't know the path I'm going down but I know I'm in control of the direction. The hard part is figuring out the right turns to make. I want the path that leads to happiness but my compass is broken.

Trapped

What am I fighting for? What will all this pain bring? The struggle is never ending and I'm trapped in a circle of doom. A cage that is so small I can barely breath and you're standing outside taunting me with the key. The key to my freedom. To my life. Why do I allow you to run my emotions? To control me and mold me into what you feel is perfection? How is it that I can't just be enough the way I am? Or more then enough?  The possibility of being more then enough for someone some day gives me hope! Gives me hope of a life of freedom ... A life that I'm in control of! 

One day ... One day all I'll ever have to be is just me ... And the love will be never ending.

When Does Life Move On?

It's been difficult. Difficult to live with the pain and difficult to live with something I do not understand and cannot comprehend. People all over telling me that this is just how it is. That all men are the same, all cheaters, but if their worth keeping you'll look past it and move on. How is it okay for a man to betray a woman just because they are a man? How is it that the woman is expected to forgive and move on! I cannot forgive such betrayal. Why? Because, the thought that I never meant enough to him for him to hold back or for him to just be honest with me is more painful then anything I've experienced. 

We don't hurt the people we love. We charish them, take care of them, and spend our lives being the best people we know how to be. His betrayal showed me  the truth of his love and no matter what he says none of it will mean anything because his actions were clearer then his words. His actions showed the truth of the man he is. 17 years of affairs and I'm supposed to believe they are all over? That it won't happen again? I would be the same idiot I've always been if I were to just close my eyes again. 

How Many Chances!

How many times do I have to be fucked over before I walk away and never look back? How many times does it take until I finally call it quits? I'm not sure but the only man I love will not stop until he finds out. It's like he loves watching me fall apart in front of him. He gets some sick satisfaction in braking me! 

How can I no longer allow him to affect me like this? How do I take back control of my life? I have no answers. He is a lying cheating bastard who will always mentally abuse me and the only way out of by leaving!

Quote

"One day God will bring you into my life and at that moment I'll finally realize who I am and freedom will be something easily embraced!"

Reminder

He never fails to remind me every day how I'm not good enough. Even in a divorce I'm told that we won't get along because there are those types of people that control everything. According to him that person is me. I can't sit right while we are talking, I can't look right and I most definitely can't say the right things. 

After his endless affairs it turns out I'm the one that was in the wrong all along and now that I'm done, now that I want my freedom he will stop at nothing until he breaks me. Until there is nothing left of me but pieces of what once was. All I want from him after everything is to have myself back. I want to pick up those pieces that he shredded me to after seventeen years and hopefully create a beautiful woman again. A woman that smiles, laughs, and enjoys every moment that is given to her. 

But he walks out that door reminding me once again how I've failed at being a wife, a mother, and even a person. All I ever wanted was his love and affection but all I ever got was his fierce anger. He saved the caring love and affection for the other woman in his life. They enjoyed the parts of him that I spent so many years begging for.

Maybe he is ready to give himself to me? Maybe he has realized what he has, but then he reminds me I'm still not good enough and I realize he doesn't know what he has and he never will. He will go to his grave believing he gave me his everything. His everything after all the name calling, all the affairs and all the mental abuse!

He gave me NOTHING but pain and agony!

Struggle!

To explain the pain and battle going on inside of me is impossible! The fake act is tearing me apart piece by piece! His unspoken words hurt more then any word ever could. 

I'm beyond done hurting, I'm beyond done alowing this one person to tare me to shreds every chance he gets. 

To escape is a freedom I desire more than anything else! Freedom from the darkest pain seems so far away, untouchable. 

Saying Goodbye

How does one say goodbye to the only true love they've known? Is it so hard because I've been convinced that he is this man he isn't? Have I been sucked into his games to the point that I don't know what's real and isn't? Every word that seeps from his lips causes the blood in my veins to boil with anger, sadness, defeat, and an emotion so deep I cannot even describe the pain I'm holding inside.

Standing at that alter, holding the hands of a boy who was my world. At that moment I knew I would give my life for this man. The only man I ever trusted. 

Little did I know he had already betrayed me before I walked down that isle. He had betrayed me many times before as well as after we said our I Do's. After all the years I have given to him he was never fully giving himself to me. 

I don't want to be hurt again. I cannot bare it. The day I found out was the day he died to me. I had lost the only man I ever loved. The only man I ever trusted. My husband died that day and the man who stood in his place was a stranger. 

How can I say goodbye to someone I loved so dear? I haven't figured it out yet, but I do know I'm barely hanging on and with each movement I'm slipping farther and farther away. You see ... The woman who I was also died that day. I was kind, forgiving, trusting, caring, and loving. He tore my heart out and shredded it to pieces and this shield protects what little I have left. 

And yet ... After everything ... After years of abuse ... Years of affairs ... I still cling to what little hope I have that the man that stood at that alter with me is some where in the stranger before me now. But then I'm reminder that the day at the alter was also a stranger that held my hands and kissed me as his new wife. 

So how do I say goodbye?

The One Who Loves More

Everyday I ask myself why I love so much. Why do I care so much? Why can I not be as heartless as him? Because then it wouldn't hurt so bad. The one who cares is always the one who ends up hurt. The one who dedicates themselves, the one who is faithful, is always the one who ends up being betrayed. Why? 

I've been asking myself everyday and in the end I still have no answers. So many years of giving some one my all, fighting for love, respect, some sort of sympathy, to end up with nothing. To end up married but alone. Married but alone? Hmmm ... What a good way to explain my life right now. Married to a man who isn't in it for me, isn't married to me for love, he is in it for himself. Not because I make him happy, because I'm security, I give him that family image he wants to protray. 

I'm the one who ends up alone. I'm the only one who isn't getting what they need. A husband that acknowledges them. A husband that would do anything for them. A husband that when driving home from work thinks of them. 

The conclusion of my love story is already set in stone. I love a man who does not love me back. I love a man who loves them self more. 

Why don't I leave? Because I love this man more then life and I do not know how to be with him or without him. 

How do you live knowing the only person you truly loved and trusted was betraying you all along?

How do I learn to make myself happy without relying on his love or faithfulness?

Another Day In My Life

I know I'm not the only one, but it doesn't lesson the emotions or make this experience any less painful. Things are, okay. I'm working every day to forget the past and focus on the future, focus on myself and my children. It's not easy when the one you love betrays you, it's even worse when they've been betraying you all along, but at least he didn't fall in love with someone else. We can still have this beautiful family, unfortunately it is reliant on him and his choices. 

To this point his choices have proven him selfish. He's proven that his needs meant more to him then me, then his kids. Humans are selfish, right? We are beings that look out for us. I guess I'd hoped that humans have evolved into a much logical creature, an intelligent creature, but at the end of the day we're driven by our animal instinct. At the end of the day so many choose to go down the wrong path.

They lose themselves, their dignity, their loyalty, and most of all they risk losing their loved ones. For what? Selfishness! 

Broken Hearted

My husband has given up on me before I’ve given up on him. After the secret of all of his affairs came to the surface. After the years of fighting and heartache. After everything we’ve been through I let him back in. I begged him to stay, begged him to show me he loved me. That was all I needed in life. I needed to be loved. I needed to be held, but this was too much for him. Slowly he began pushing away again, until I was screaming for him to just hug me, kiss me, hold my hand. It got to the point that he said I had lost my mind, I felt like I did. I felt like I was screaming and no one was listening. No one could hear me. No one wanted to. I needed him to love me and this he couldn’t do, not without struggle. I needed his love to be easy, I wanted him to desire me when I was near. This never happened. Then, he gave up on me. He said the words I knew were inevitable, he couldn’t take anymore. He couldn’t be in this relationship any longer.

He did not want me.   

I know I’ve read somewhere that one person always loves more. Why? Why are we set up to fail? Shouldn’t a marriage be a mutual love? A love so deep for each other that no one can penetrate it. I know love. It hurts. It is not easy. And in the end someone is left with a broken heart, and it is the person that loved too much. The person that gave someone everything they had to still not get it in return. Maybe my heart is too big. Maybe I give more than I should. I can’t help but think that if I just cared a little less than the pain wouldn’t be so bad. Every night when I lay my head down on my pillow my heart breaks all over again as I lay there wishing he would hold me. Wishing he would want me the way I want him. It never happens. It never will happen.

So, I will do my best to take others advice. I will hold my head high, build a shield around my heart, and move forward. Is this happiness? For me, no. Happiness was having the only man I ever loved love me back. Happiness was having my husband and children by my side until the day I die, but the shield will protect me and moving forward will help the pain lesson more and more as time passes.

But, I will never forget the day my heart was broken forever.