Saying Goodbye

How does one say goodbye to the only true love they've known? Is it so hard because I've been convinced that he is this man he isn't? Have I been sucked into his games to the point that I don't know what's real and isn't? Every word that seeps from his lips causes the blood in my veins to boil with anger, sadness, defeat, and an emotion so deep I cannot even describe the pain I'm holding inside.

Standing at that alter, holding the hands of a boy who was my world. At that moment I knew I would give my life for this man. The only man I ever trusted. 

Little did I know he had already betrayed me before I walked down that isle. He had betrayed me many times before as well as after we said our I Do's. After all the years I have given to him he was never fully giving himself to me. 

I don't want to be hurt again. I cannot bare it. The day I found out was the day he died to me. I had lost the only man I ever loved. The only man I ever trusted. My husband died that day and the man who stood in his place was a stranger. 

How can I say goodbye to someone I loved so dear? I haven't figured it out yet, but I do know I'm barely hanging on and with each movement I'm slipping farther and farther away. You see ... The woman who I was also died that day. I was kind, forgiving, trusting, caring, and loving. He tore my heart out and shredded it to pieces and this shield protects what little I have left. 

And yet ... After everything ... After years of abuse ... Years of affairs ... I still cling to what little hope I have that the man that stood at that alter with me is some where in the stranger before me now. But then I'm reminder that the day at the alter was also a stranger that held my hands and kissed me as his new wife. 

So how do I say goodbye?