Struggle!

To explain the pain and battle going on inside of me is impossible! The fake act is tearing me apart piece by piece! His unspoken words hurt more then any word ever could. 

I'm beyond done hurting, I'm beyond done alowing this one person to tare me to shreds every chance he gets. 

To escape is a freedom I desire more than anything else! Freedom from the darkest pain seems so far away, untouchable. 

Saying Goodbye

How does one say goodbye to the only true love they've known? Is it so hard because I've been convinced that he is this man he isn't? Have I been sucked into his games to the point that I don't know what's real and isn't? Every word that seeps from his lips causes the blood in my veins to boil with anger, sadness, defeat, and an emotion so deep I cannot even describe the pain I'm holding inside.

Standing at that alter, holding the hands of a boy who was my world. At that moment I knew I would give my life for this man. The only man I ever trusted. 

Little did I know he had already betrayed me before I walked down that isle. He had betrayed me many times before as well as after we said our I Do's. After all the years I have given to him he was never fully giving himself to me. 

I don't want to be hurt again. I cannot bare it. The day I found out was the day he died to me. I had lost the only man I ever loved. The only man I ever trusted. My husband died that day and the man who stood in his place was a stranger. 

How can I say goodbye to someone I loved so dear? I haven't figured it out yet, but I do know I'm barely hanging on and with each movement I'm slipping farther and farther away. You see ... The woman who I was also died that day. I was kind, forgiving, trusting, caring, and loving. He tore my heart out and shredded it to pieces and this shield protects what little I have left. 

And yet ... After everything ... After years of abuse ... Years of affairs ... I still cling to what little hope I have that the man that stood at that alter with me is some where in the stranger before me now. But then I'm reminder that the day at the alter was also a stranger that held my hands and kissed me as his new wife. 

So how do I say goodbye?

The One Who Loves More

Everyday I ask myself why I love so much. Why do I care so much? Why can I not be as heartless as him? Because then it wouldn't hurt so bad. The one who cares is always the one who ends up hurt. The one who dedicates themselves, the one who is faithful, is always the one who ends up being betrayed. Why? 

I've been asking myself everyday and in the end I still have no answers. So many years of giving some one my all, fighting for love, respect, some sort of sympathy, to end up with nothing. To end up married but alone. Married but alone? Hmmm ... What a good way to explain my life right now. Married to a man who isn't in it for me, isn't married to me for love, he is in it for himself. Not because I make him happy, because I'm security, I give him that family image he wants to protray. 

I'm the one who ends up alone. I'm the only one who isn't getting what they need. A husband that acknowledges them. A husband that would do anything for them. A husband that when driving home from work thinks of them. 

The conclusion of my love story is already set in stone. I love a man who does not love me back. I love a man who loves them self more. 

Why don't I leave? Because I love this man more then life and I do not know how to be with him or without him. 

How do you live knowing the only person you truly loved and trusted was betraying you all along?

How do I learn to make myself happy without relying on his love or faithfulness?

Another Day In My Life

I know I'm not the only one, but it doesn't lesson the emotions or make this experience any less painful. Things are, okay. I'm working every day to forget the past and focus on the future, focus on myself and my children. It's not easy when the one you love betrays you, it's even worse when they've been betraying you all along, but at least he didn't fall in love with someone else. We can still have this beautiful family, unfortunately it is reliant on him and his choices. 

To this point his choices have proven him selfish. He's proven that his needs meant more to him then me, then his kids. Humans are selfish, right? We are beings that look out for us. I guess I'd hoped that humans have evolved into a much logical creature, an intelligent creature, but at the end of the day we're driven by our animal instinct. At the end of the day so many choose to go down the wrong path.

They lose themselves, their dignity, their loyalty, and most of all they risk losing their loved ones. For what? Selfishness! 

Broken Hearted

My husband has given up on me before I’ve given up on him. After the secret of all of his affairs came to the surface. After the years of fighting and heartache. After everything we’ve been through I let him back in. I begged him to stay, begged him to show me he loved me. That was all I needed in life. I needed to be loved. I needed to be held, but this was too much for him. Slowly he began pushing away again, until I was screaming for him to just hug me, kiss me, hold my hand. It got to the point that he said I had lost my mind, I felt like I did. I felt like I was screaming and no one was listening. No one could hear me. No one wanted to. I needed him to love me and this he couldn’t do, not without struggle. I needed his love to be easy, I wanted him to desire me when I was near. This never happened. Then, he gave up on me. He said the words I knew were inevitable, he couldn’t take anymore. He couldn’t be in this relationship any longer.

He did not want me.   

I know I’ve read somewhere that one person always loves more. Why? Why are we set up to fail? Shouldn’t a marriage be a mutual love? A love so deep for each other that no one can penetrate it. I know love. It hurts. It is not easy. And in the end someone is left with a broken heart, and it is the person that loved too much. The person that gave someone everything they had to still not get it in return. Maybe my heart is too big. Maybe I give more than I should. I can’t help but think that if I just cared a little less than the pain wouldn’t be so bad. Every night when I lay my head down on my pillow my heart breaks all over again as I lay there wishing he would hold me. Wishing he would want me the way I want him. It never happens. It never will happen.

So, I will do my best to take others advice. I will hold my head high, build a shield around my heart, and move forward. Is this happiness? For me, no. Happiness was having the only man I ever loved love me back. Happiness was having my husband and children by my side until the day I die, but the shield will protect me and moving forward will help the pain lesson more and more as time passes.

But, I will never forget the day my heart was broken forever.