When Does Life Move On?

It's been difficult. Difficult to live with the pain and difficult to live with something I do not understand and cannot comprehend. People all over telling me that this is just how it is. That all men are the same, all cheaters, but if their worth keeping you'll look past it and move on. How is it okay for a man to betray a woman just because they are a man? How is it that the woman is expected to forgive and move on! I cannot forgive such betrayal. Why? Because, the thought that I never meant enough to him for him to hold back or for him to just be honest with me is more painful then anything I've experienced. 

We don't hurt the people we love. We charish them, take care of them, and spend our lives being the best people we know how to be. His betrayal showed me  the truth of his love and no matter what he says none of it will mean anything because his actions were clearer then his words. His actions showed the truth of the man he is. 17 years of affairs and I'm supposed to believe they are all over? That it won't happen again? I would be the same idiot I've always been if I were to just close my eyes again. 

How Many Chances!

How many times do I have to be fucked over before I walk away and never look back? How many times does it take until I finally call it quits? I'm not sure but the only man I love will not stop until he finds out. It's like he loves watching me fall apart in front of him. He gets some sick satisfaction in braking me! 

How can I no longer allow him to affect me like this? How do I take back control of my life? I have no answers. He is a lying cheating bastard who will always mentally abuse me and the only way out of by leaving!

Quote

"One day God will bring you into my life and at that moment I'll finally realize who I am and freedom will be something easily embraced!"

Reminder

He never fails to remind me every day how I'm not good enough. Even in a divorce I'm told that we won't get along because there are those types of people that control everything. According to him that person is me. I can't sit right while we are talking, I can't look right and I most definitely can't say the right things. 

After his endless affairs it turns out I'm the one that was in the wrong all along and now that I'm done, now that I want my freedom he will stop at nothing until he breaks me. Until there is nothing left of me but pieces of what once was. All I want from him after everything is to have myself back. I want to pick up those pieces that he shredded me to after seventeen years and hopefully create a beautiful woman again. A woman that smiles, laughs, and enjoys every moment that is given to her. 

But he walks out that door reminding me once again how I've failed at being a wife, a mother, and even a person. All I ever wanted was his love and affection but all I ever got was his fierce anger. He saved the caring love and affection for the other woman in his life. They enjoyed the parts of him that I spent so many years begging for.

Maybe he is ready to give himself to me? Maybe he has realized what he has, but then he reminds me I'm still not good enough and I realize he doesn't know what he has and he never will. He will go to his grave believing he gave me his everything. His everything after all the name calling, all the affairs and all the mental abuse!

He gave me NOTHING but pain and agony!