Reminder

He never fails to remind me every day how I'm not good enough. Even in a divorce I'm told that we won't get along because there are those types of people that control everything. According to him that person is me. I can't sit right while we are talking, I can't look right and I most definitely can't say the right things. 

After his endless affairs it turns out I'm the one that was in the wrong all along and now that I'm done, now that I want my freedom he will stop at nothing until he breaks me. Until there is nothing left of me but pieces of what once was. All I want from him after everything is to have myself back. I want to pick up those pieces that he shredded me to after seventeen years and hopefully create a beautiful woman again. A woman that smiles, laughs, and enjoys every moment that is given to her. 

But he walks out that door reminding me once again how I've failed at being a wife, a mother, and even a person. All I ever wanted was his love and affection but all I ever got was his fierce anger. He saved the caring love and affection for the other woman in his life. They enjoyed the parts of him that I spent so many years begging for.

Maybe he is ready to give himself to me? Maybe he has realized what he has, but then he reminds me I'm still not good enough and I realize he doesn't know what he has and he never will. He will go to his grave believing he gave me his everything. His everything after all the name calling, all the affairs and all the mental abuse!

He gave me NOTHING but pain and agony!