The torturous pain she bares is unsurpassable, and yet her cries are held in silence, for her strength to carry on conquers the inner agony of a shattered heart that once held the love of a wondrous woman. 

Sunshine through the Rain

Waking up to the sight of a cloudy dark sky as the rain pours down, pounding the cement with a force only the Earth can provide and for once my heart is no longer filled with sadness. I look upon the pouring droplets of water as the sky cries from above and I smile with a sense of finding, a sense that I finally belong. 

Fading Memory

Perfection is in the eye of the beholder ...

“You think you’re so perfect!”

If only you knew the depths of my pain and the void of loneliness that haunts my soul.

Your words only brake me more, for I am a woman of more flaws than you can imagine.

Perfection? Not a word I would choose to describe myself.

As I stand in front of a mirror, bearing all for only me to see, the self-hatred fills my heart. I easily become disgusted with the image that reflects back at me.

You do not see my pain, because I choose not to show you. You do not know my struggles because I chose not to indulge you.

Do not hate me, do not envy me, as we all have our own measure of pain that we live with.

I choose to only reveal to you my smile, the beauty I hold, and the beauty that surrounds me. I convey only the good that I have in my life.

This is not because I want to be portrayed as perfection. Not because I find myself better than you.

I display only the good because my heart cannot bare to share the horror of my soul, for fear that the hideous pain will manifest on my face and consume me completely.

Therefore, I do all I can to move forward each day, to focus on the love that I do have in my life, because if I give up, I fear the world will lose me forever.

Please know that the inner depths of my body and mind are constant with sadness, pain, and loneliness.

So … to you who tells me “you think you’re so perfect” you do not know the true me, and your words show you have no desire to.

I do not ask for you sympathy, I ask that you remember that you do not know the pain and struggle of a person, so please, tread lightly when passing judgment.

Pain

I wish sometimes that I could express to you the pain I feel inside and that you would some how make it all go away, but I understand now that I'm the only one who can fix me.

I don't know the path I'm going down but I know I'm in control of the direction. The hard part is figuring out the right turns to make. I want the path that leads to happiness but my compass is broken.

Trapped

What am I fighting for? What will all this pain bring? The struggle is never ending and I'm trapped in a circle of doom. A cage that is so small I can barely breath and you're standing outside taunting me with the key. The key to my freedom. To my life. Why do I allow you to run my emotions? To control me and mold me into what you feel is perfection? How is it that I can't just be enough the way I am? Or more then enough?  The possibility of being more then enough for someone some day gives me hope! Gives me hope of a life of freedom ... A life that I'm in control of! 

One day ... One day all I'll ever have to be is just me ... And the love will be never ending.

When Does Life Move On?

It's been difficult. Difficult to live with the pain and difficult to live with something I do not understand and cannot comprehend. People all over telling me that this is just how it is. That all men are the same, all cheaters, but if their worth keeping you'll look past it and move on. How is it okay for a man to betray a woman just because they are a man? How is it that the woman is expected to forgive and move on! I cannot forgive such betrayal. Why? Because, the thought that I never meant enough to him for him to hold back or for him to just be honest with me is more painful then anything I've experienced. 

We don't hurt the people we love. We charish them, take care of them, and spend our lives being the best people we know how to be. His betrayal showed me  the truth of his love and no matter what he says none of it will mean anything because his actions were clearer then his words. His actions showed the truth of the man he is. 17 years of affairs and I'm supposed to believe they are all over? That it won't happen again? I would be the same idiot I've always been if I were to just close my eyes again.