Broken Hearted

My husband has given up on me before I’ve given up on him. After the secret of all of his affairs came to the surface. After the years of fighting and heartache. After everything we’ve been through I let him back in. I begged him to stay, begged him to show me he loved me. That was all I needed in life. I needed to be loved. I needed to be held, but this was too much for him. Slowly he began pushing away again, until I was screaming for him to just hug me, kiss me, hold my hand. It got to the point that he said I had lost my mind, I felt like I did. I felt like I was screaming and no one was listening. No one could hear me. No one wanted to. I needed him to love me and this he couldn’t do, not without struggle. I needed his love to be easy, I wanted him to desire me when I was near. This never happened. Then, he gave up on me. He said the words I knew were inevitable, he couldn’t take anymore. He couldn’t be in this relationship any longer.

He did not want me.   

I know I’ve read somewhere that one person always loves more. Why? Why are we set up to fail? Shouldn’t a marriage be a mutual love? A love so deep for each other that no one can penetrate it. I know love. It hurts. It is not easy. And in the end someone is left with a broken heart, and it is the person that loved too much. The person that gave someone everything they had to still not get it in return. Maybe my heart is too big. Maybe I give more than I should. I can’t help but think that if I just cared a little less than the pain wouldn’t be so bad. Every night when I lay my head down on my pillow my heart breaks all over again as I lay there wishing he would hold me. Wishing he would want me the way I want him. It never happens. It never will happen.

So, I will do my best to take others advice. I will hold my head high, build a shield around my heart, and move forward. Is this happiness? For me, no. Happiness was having the only man I ever loved love me back. Happiness was having my husband and children by my side until the day I die, but the shield will protect me and moving forward will help the pain lesson more and more as time passes.

But, I will never forget the day my heart was broken forever.